Captain Potter
by J.C. Sjelde
Summary: When it is discovered that Voldemort is currently residing in the middle of the ocean, Harry must take on a role he never dreamed of....
1. Unexpected News

PREVIOUSLY ON HARRY POTTER:

Severus Snape has murdered Albus Dumbledore in a brutal battle between the Death Eaters and Hogwarts! Harry has made the most dangerous decision: after Dumbledore's death, he knew it was the last straw. Voldemort must be stopped. Harry decided he will not be returning to Hogwarts, but instead will embark on the quest to break the remaining four Horcruxes and, most importantly, to kill Voldemort.

We now join Harry at Bill Weasley and Fleur Delacour's wedding reception in the summer. There is dancing, laughter, and the occasional person falling over and stumbling around drunk. Our dear Harry, of course, is not the happiest camper, even though he has tried hard to make himself have a good time, but, as one can imagine, when one's beloved headmaster died, it can have a massive effect on someone. Especially someone who's had as rough of a time through life as Harry. One would think so, at least.

**CHAPTER ONE**

**Unexpected News**

Harry stood against the wall, sipping listlessly at his pumpkin margarita (virgin, might I add). He watched the joyous chaos swirling around him; right now a crazy cross between a polka and a waltz was playing, and tubas, clarinets and trombones blasted out the crazy rhythm as people hopped around the dance floor, some stumbling around and falling over drunk—the dancers just ignored them and stepped over them. Even Bill was literally howling with joy as he hopped around with a laughing Fleur in his arms.

_Great_, Harry thought_, he's a freaking Werewolf and he's having more fun than me. What's wrong with me? _

He kept glancing at his watch angrily; Fred and George instructed him that that had some important news to tell him tonight. Harry was beginning to think they had had one shooter too many as an excuse for their tardiness and took another sip of his drink and tried to avoid Ginny's glances from across the room as she also sipped at her drink…

"Ah! Harry!" Fred called, and the twins, along with Percy, were strolling up to him, "There you are! Having fun?" he asked as he gave a friendly clap on the shoulder.

"Yes," Harry said unemotionally, "Now, what is it? I can't stay for too much longer, I need to get back to start planning for my…"

"Quest?" said George.

"Well, yeah."

"We know," said Fred, "But that's the reason we must talk to you first! We've got an idea that we know will help you beat Voldemort!"

"Keep in mind I thought it up, little brothers," said Percy, his nose in the air, "Technically, I should be the one telling him."

"Oh for crying out loud, we have all the stuff, you just came to that conclusion after we showed you," said Fred, "Say, Harry, we should probably go someplace more private, this…isn't the right time to chat."

"Fine," said Harry, and followed the three brothers out, where they led him to the parking lot, and unlocked the Weasley's flying car, and turned on the light.

"All right," said George, pulling out a couple of pieces of paper, "First off… when there was that huge battle…we kind of placed a tracking device on Voldemort when he wasn't looking."

"How impressive!" exclaimed Harry, "Does it still work? He didn't discover it?"

"Thank you! And no, he hasn't. That's the power of love working for you!"

"Huh?"

"You know, you can fight Voldemort because your mother possessed love, and we possess love for the super glue that we used to put it on him! It'll never come off now!" Fred added proudly.

"Okay, um…sure…" Harry shifted his eyes.

"Anyway, onto our next point…we've made up another Maudarers Map, designed specifically to follow Voldemort around! You can find him better!" George unfolded one of the pieces of paper, and tapped it with his wand.

"I solemnly swear I am going to kick some butt!" he muttered, and with that, a map of the entire world came into view on the paper.

"See, there's you," said Fred, pointing at a sign that was in the middle of England, saying 'Harry Potter—Yahoo!'

"Yahoo?" said Harry.

"Of course! We're happy you're going to fight him! Yahoo!" George let out a loud whoop before speaking normally again, "And there's Voldemort." He pointed at a place on the map that said 'Douchebag'.

"Douchebag?" Harry raised his eyebrow at the name on the sheet.

"Well, we decided to call the Dark Lord what he is," said George, "Doesn't that make sense?"

"I guess so," said Harry, "Are you sure it's him though? There are a lot of douchebags in this world…"

"Ain't that the truth, hah!" George chuckled, "But no, it's him. We're sure. Trust us."

"Okay. Look, I really appreciate this, guys," said Harry, taking the map, "Would you mind if I take this along? It could really help."

"Oh, of course! That was our plan!" said Fred, "Except there is one problem…"

"What's that?" said Harry.

"Well, if you look here," said Percy, pointing at Voldemort's place on the map, the 'Douchebag' sign, "He's in the middle of the Atlantic ocean."

"Oh…so he is," said Harry, "Well, if he stays there, it'll be hard to find him, but can I maybe borrow the flying car too? It should help me get to him."

"Uh, sorry, but it's a family car, and we can't afford another one," Percy winced, "Plus, you must take on a very important task to find the Dark Lord that doesn't involve the car."

"Okay, what?" said Harry.

"You must pay very close attention…" said Percy, and leaned over to poing at the paper, "Look here, he's kind of floating around on the ocean right now, and he's appeared at several spots on the map since we made it, so there's only one conclusion we can make…The Dark Lord is on a pirate ship."

"WHAT?!" said Harry, "That's one heck of an assumption, do you think he maybe just made up an underwater hideout?"

"Nope," said Fred, "He's gathered up all the Death Eaters and they're now on a ship. Plus, while George and I were shopping for more supplies for our shop last week, we saw Malfoy in Diagon Alley, and we overheard him telling Crabbe and Goyle that his dad was on the ship and how angry he was that his father wouldn't let him come with."

"It's true!" George nodded proudly.

Harry's stomach began to churn, "So…so it's true, in order to fight the Dark Lord, I must…"

The three brothers gleefully announced simultaneously.

"That's right! You, Harry Potter, must become a pirate!"


	2. More Than It Seems

**CHAPTER TWO**

**More Than It Seems**

Harry felt like he had been slammed in the stomach with a handbag.

"Wh…what?" he stammered.

"It makes perfect sense!" said Fred, "You must find a ship, and battle Voldemort once and for all on his pirate ship!"

"Well…uh…I guess I'll get right on that…thanks guys…" Harry reached over to open the door, but Percy grabbed his wrist.

"No! Wait! It's not so easy! There's WAY more to being a pirate than it seems!"

"Look, guys, I'm sure there's another alternative to this…"

"NO!" the three of them shouted together, before Percy whipped out a list from his pocket, "Here are the tasks you must complete!"

Harry looked at it. It said:

_HARRY POTTER'S PIRATE TO-DO LIST_

_Written by Percy Weasely_

_Gather a Crew_

_Buy pirate clothes_

_Obtain a sword and learn how to fight with it_

_Learn how to hunt for treasure_

_Learn how to sing shanties and songs_

_Obtain a ship_

_Get a pirate attitude! This means you think and talk like a pirate! Yaaaaarrrrr!_

_DEFEAT THE DARK LORD!!!_

"Well, Percy, I guess this makes sense…a pirate just isn't a pirate without these things…but I also have to find the Horcruxes."

"Oh that's right…I suppose that falls under the category of Item number 4."

"So…so I know what I must do," breathed Harry, "Become a pirate…defeat the Dark Lord…" he gulped, "Piece of cake I guess…but where do I start?"

Percy looked proud, "Well, you've already started on the Gathering the Crew part! I for one am coming with you as first mate!"

"You what?" said Harry.

Percy rolled his eyes, "Well, you obviously know NOTHING about being a pirate. You need an advisor, and I am perfect for this position!"

"Fred? George? What about you guys?" he turned desperately to them.

"Sorry, Harry," said George, "We gotta manage the shop. No one can run it but us!"

"Besides," added Fred, "Last time we had someone cover for us while we were away, the pixies didn't recognize her and got scared…it wasn't pretty."

"Hey, Percy," said Harry, "Just how do you know about being a…"

"Ohmigosh, LOOK at the time, Harry," Percy exclaimed, "We'd best get going! Our first stop is Diagon Alley, where we need to purchase some pirate clothes for you! If we start walking now, we'll get there by sunrise, just in time for the stores to open.

"We're WALKING to DIAGON ALLEY??!?!" Harry shouted.

"Well, we don't have a ship, do we? If we did, we wouldn't have to! But since SOMEBODY doesn't know how to be a pirate, he doesn't have a ship!" Percy rolled his eyes, "We don't have a choice! Duh! Thanks, Fred and George, for the Douchebag map, we'll take good care of it."

Percy grabbed the map and opened the door before he yanked Harry out, "Let's go, Captain!"

Harry sighed, "I suppose I have no choice, this WILL help me on my quest to fight the Dark Lord…all right, let's go."

The two started walking through the parking lot, when Percy shouted, "WAIT!"

"What?"

"That's not how you walk if you're a pirate! You should be skipping along and singing a shanty!"

"What? I've never heard of pirates skipping…"

"It's a pirate secret. Now, we must think of a song to sing…" Percy stopped to ponder for a moment, stroking his chin.

"Hey, how about this?" said Harry, and whispered it into Percy's ear.

"Hey, I like it!" said Percy, "You know, it sounds a lot like a song I've heard…"

"Yeah, me too," said Harry, "Isn't that weird?"

"Indeed…but I bet it's nothing."  
"Agreed. Now…On my lead…"

The two of them linked arms, and started to sing as they skipped through the parking lot towards Diagon alley.

_**We're off to fight the Dark Lord, **_

_**The most awful Dark Lord of All **_

_**You'll find he is an ass of a Lord! **_

_**If ever an ass there bore **_

_**If ever oh ever a Lord there was **_

_**Lord Voldemort is one Because, **_

_**Because, Because, Because, Because, Becaaaauuuuuuse… **_

_**Because of the horrible things he does**_

_**-LA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA-**_

_**We're off to fight the Dark Lord, the most awful dark Lord of alllllllllll!**_


	3. Harry Takes Charge

**Chapter Three**

**Harry Takes Charge**

By six o'clock, the weak sunlight was beginning to diffuse through the navy clouds and the world began to sparkle silver in the dawn.

Harry and Percy arrived in Diagon Alley, Harry dragging his feet, an extra large coffee in his hand that he sipped as he yawned and blinked like there was no tomorrow. The caffeine in the coffee did not seem to be doing his body any good, because at many times during the evening, he had stumbled off his feet and crashed face-first into the ground, fast asleep, only to be awoken seconds later by Percy, who was wired as heck from his quintuple espresso.

"Well, Harry, here we are! Diagon Alley!" Percy exclaimed.

"Finally," he mumbled.

"Now, let's go shopping!"

"It's six in the morning. Nothing is open yet," Harry yawned.

"Oh come now, that's not the right attitude!" said Percy, "Let's look around for a store!"

"Percy, you must be joking."

"Why, no! Of course not!"

Harry spotted the Leaky Cauldron, and took a deep breath to use his last ounce of energy to shout at Percy.

"That's it! I'M the captain of this crew, NOT you, and I am now making the decisions! We are checking into the Leaky Cauldron and sleeping, and will shop in the morning! We will rent a carriage or a taxi to get to our next destination. NO more WALKING all night. THAT is THAT. UNDERSTOOD?!?!?!"

Percy nervously raised his hand.

"WHAT?!"

"It _is_ morning, Captain."

"WELL THEN WE'LL GO SHOPPING WHENEVER WE WAKE UP IF THE STORES ARE STILL OPEN! COME ALONG NOW!"

As Harry stomped towards the Leaky Cauldron, Percy sighed.

"Well, I suppose he is right, he IS the captain…just one MORE thing I'm Not in charge of even though I am the _smartest_, _handsomest_, _most dashing_, out of all the Weasely…"

"PERCY! ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?!?!"

Percy continued to grumble under his breath as he followed Harry.


	4. MEANWHILE

**MEANWHILE, ON THE NEXT DAY…**


	5. Shutter Speed

**Chapter Four**

**Shutter Speed**

Diagon Alley was more crowded than usual. People milled about, children screamed as they dashed to and from stores, their faces and hands sticky from the treats they'd eaten. Parents skedaddled after them, shouting and bossing commands.

He slowly puttered through it all, in the midst of hundreds of robed bodies doing their back to school shopping. He couldn't go any faster than a slow pace; an old lady with a walker was right in front of him, and she wasn't about to start hurrying anytime soon. However, he didn't mind; he knew exactly where he wanted to go, and was planning it all out in his head at the moment, his camera in a pouch slung over his shoulder.

_Just go in,_ he told himself, _say hello, let her undress you. Uh…dress you and help you pick out a robe, that is._

He crossed the road and slipped into the store, the bell dinging behind him. The beautiful melody of Clair de Lune was playing from a phonograph that was being turned by magic. Two small first-year children were perched on the platforms, their arms sticking out like a crucifix, as Madame Malkins' assistants tittered around them, taking measurements and cutting fabric as they whipped things like scissors and tape measures out of their pockets.

"Just take a seat," one of them called over her shoulder, "Madame will be right with you."

His heart gave a little jolt; last year Madame was far too busy helping a seventh-year pick out her robes that he had to be helped by one of the assistants, the one who was the ex-manager of the Knockturn Alley pet store. He shuddered when he remembered how much she smelled like slugs.

This year it would all change; he'd have his half-hour alone with her, and she could stand him on the platform and measure and drape the fabric over him, running her hands along the seams, the skin on her hands silkier than the material itself.

He gripped the leather of the camera pouch, his fingers beginning to lose circulation. He'd been meaning to ask her for years, but it never truly did happen. If he just had an ounce of courage he'd ask….to take pictures of her. REAL pictures, not just snapshots of her idiodically grinning as if she were on some lame poster.

"Hello, Colin Creevy!"

He jumped at the sound of her fluty voice; she poked her head out of the back room, and he caught a glimpse of her face, blood rushing to all parts of his body faster than he could imagine. Madame Malkins was beautiful. In fact, to say so would be a large understatement, but she was. She had long, kinky black hair that fell just past her shoulders and her eyes looked like two large hazel marbles, sparkling and shining brighter than the sun. Her skin was a beautiful tan, with slight, stylish wrinkles across her mouth and on her cheeks. Colin liked the wrinkles; they made her look real. Madame's lips were thick and pouty, and even though she never wore any makeup, she always looked as if she was wearing a soft, pink lipstick that reminded him of strawberry ice cream. Her body was round and slightly plump, but Colin liked that too, because it was real. Wizard world or Muggle world, all the models looked like they hadn't eaten since they were weaned.

"I'm so sorry, I just seem to have misplaced my scissors, "I'll just be a few more minutes, all right dear?"

Colin was still too stunned from seeing her again to speak, so he just nodded his head.

"Would you like anything?"

_You, perhaps?_

When he shook his head, Madame smiled and went back behind the curtain. Colin sat back in the chair, thinking about his last model for his pictures. He wasn't homosexual in the least bit, yet he thought Harry Potter was beautiful, and he finally was able to convince Harry to hang out with him for an afternoon and let him take photographs. Colin felt awful at the fact that he irritated Harry so much in his first year, shortly after he received his first camera, becoming the worst shutterbug that could ever exist on the face of the Earth.

Colin's skin shivered—he got goosebumps every time he thought of Harry's white, pearly skin that contrasted so breathtakingly with his jet black hair, with his emerald eyes that glowed behind the strands. His very favorite picture was of Harry sitting up on the Gryffindor Common Room windowsill, wearing only a pair of jeans, staring out the window, the sun bathing him in golden light. Colin told Harry to look serious, yet right when Colin was about to push the button and capture the moment, Harry smiled at something outside the window. It wasn't a big smile, but the edge of his mouth curved upwards a tad, and a hint of a dimple was visible in his cheek. It was Colin's favorite picture because of one tiny, smug grin.

"All right, Colin, step right up on the platform and we'll start!"

She came out of the back room and Colin slowly stepped up. Immediately she got to work, whipping the ruler out every which way, snipping, and hemming. Colin stood with his arms stiffly out to the side; he tried to keep his breath steady as she bent near his crotch to measure his leg.

_She would be lying on a bed, silk sheets, fluffy pillows, the whole bit, her golden yellow skin laid gracefully upon it, her hazel eyes peering up into the lens of the camera. Except for a catch, the woman who made the robes would not be wearing one, exposing what would normally be under the robes. And he would be standing right above her, or beside her, whatever angle caught the light better, taking it all in through the lens…_

"How was your summer, dearest?" said Madame.

"Sexy. Uh, er, super…" His face burned like a furnace as she went back to work. _Nice going, Bozo._ He thought.

_From the wide open window, the grayish light from the clouds sifted in through the glass, showing her tiny breasts in a gorgeous, natural light. Slowly but surely, a tingling sensation in his pants began to grow and grow…_

"Now, we have new colors in stock this year, we have emerald, ruby and cobalt. Which would you like? Should we go with the usual, black?"

"Co cock."

She gave him an odd look.

"COBALT!" he screamed, and then muttered under his breath, "Jesus Christ…"

She disappeared and came back moments later with shimmering blue silk.

_Hazel skin, hazel eyes, yes, you came from Heaven, didn't you, dearest, didn't you?_

"Right then!" she said after a few minutes, "All finished."

Colin awkwardly hopped off the stand and went over to the mirror. He, however, didn't look at himself, but rather Madame, who had come up behind him to put her hands on his shoulders, beaming at the robe.

"Magnificent," she said, "Simply brilliant."

_What, me or you? I personally believe it is the latter one._

"Yeah, of course," he muttered.

She bagged the robe and handed it to him; Colin made sure their hands touched when he took it from her.

"Now, is there anything else you need, Colin?"

He turned around, fingering the zipper of his camera pouch.

"Actually, there's something I've been meaning to ask you…"


	6. Looking the Part

**Chapter Five**

**Looking the Part**

_-Ping-ping!-_

Harry pushed open the door to Madame Malkins's robe shop, followed by Percy. He noticed Colin Creevy standing near the cash register with Madame. Madame turned at the sound of the door, and her face lit up.

"Of course you may ask me something, Colin, let me just help these two first. Harry Potter! Oh, it's so wonderful to see you again! And Percy, it's been a few years since you were last in here, welcome back!"

Colin sighed as Harry and Percy both smiled at her.

"You as well, Madame," said Harry, "But look, we have a special favor to ask you…do you know anything about pirates?"

Madame gave them a quizzical look, "Well, why do you ask?"

"It's kind of hard to explain, please promise you'll believe us?" asked Harry.

"Of course, dear," she smiled, "Say what you need to."

—**ONE HOUR LATER—**

"…with a SHOOP SHOOP and a WHOOP WHOOP, and a packet of crisps! That's how I saved Christmas!" Percy said proudly, his nose in the air, "When in doubt, ask your ferret, as I always say!"

"Percy, what the hell?!" Harry shouted, "That has NOTHING to do with what we wanted to ask Madame! I was ready to tell her, and you just barged in and told that lame, pointless, and above all, UNNECESSARY story! She said to say what we needed to, and we didn't need that! God, you're such a show-off!"

Percy rolled his eyes, "Sure, YOU think we didn't need it! Then, TELL her! If you don't want to hear my accomplishments, FINE!" he snorted and folded his arms.

"I never did in the first place, Percy…"

"Excuse me dears," said a very confused Madame Malkins, "But I have a shop to run, and I still don't know why you're asking me about pirates. And I know I promised I would believe you, but I must say, that was the most ridiculous story I have ever heard."

Percy glared, "Think what you want, Madame…"

Harry thought he heard Percy sniffle, as if his feelings really were hurt, but he had no more time to waste.

"OkayMadamesobasicallyLordVoldemortisonashipinthemiddleoftheoceananddontaskushowweknowwejustdosowehavetobecomepiratestodefeathimandsowereallyreallyneedpirateclothesandwewerewonderingifyoucouldmakeussomeifyouknowhow?"

"Why, Harry, bless your heart for not wanting to waste my time, but you really didn't have to say that in one breath."

"S-s-sorry…" Harry panted.

"And, I'm sorry dears, but I'm afraid I don't know anything about pirates, but I did once have to make the costumes for a pirate musical that the Durmstrang boys put on. Come on up to the platform, let me see what I can do!"

—**ANOTHER HOUR LATER—**

Harry turned around to look at himself in the mirror.

"Wow! Not bad!" he exclaimed, "I look cool!"

He had on a baggy white long-sleeved shirt with laces at the neck (I don't know the word for it, hopefully you know what I'm talking about), black pants that came down to his calves, which were covered by white knee-socks, followed by shiny black shoes with golden buckles.

"What about you, Percy?"

"Yaaarrrrr! I am liking this!" said Percy, sporting a red-and-white striped shirt and blue pants, along with a red bandana and eyepatch.

"Awesome!" said Harry, "But what's with the eyepatch?"

"Yaaarrrrr, I like it!"

"And saying Yarrr?"

"Yarrrr, I like that too!"

"Well, anyways," said Harry, "Good, we now have the look of pirates…thanks so much, Madame!"

Madame stood there, beaming, "You boys look fine!"

"How much do we owe you?" said Harry.

Madame smiled as she named the price.

"WHAT?!" Harry shouted.

"Well, boys, I have a business to run, and pirates are not my specialty!" said Madame.

"You're right, Madame," Harry said, hopping off the stand, "I guess we have to—"

"YARRR!!!!!" Percy leapt off the platform and started waving an imaginary sword, "LET'S ROB A SHIP AND FIND THEIR BOOTY AND PAY THE DAME LIKE REAL PIRATES!!! YAARRRR!"

"Umm…Percy, I know we are pirates, but we are NOT ROBBING anyone to pay Madame. I have some money left over, we should be fine. All right?" said Harry.

"Yarrrr….all right, Cap'n."

They paid Madame and left the store. Madame followed them out to stand at the door. She began to wave goodbye as the sun began to set.

"Goodbye, boys, good luck!"

"Thanks, Madame!" Harry called back to her before him and Percy linked arms, "One, and a two, and a…"

Inspirational chords started up and they started to sing.

"Weeeeee're….."

"WAAAAAAAIT!" A large shouting voice interrupted their song —the music stopped, and Harry and Percy skidded to a halt. Colin Creevy ran up behind them and began to wheedle, "Hey guys, I overheard you telling Madame…you have to let me come along on the crew!"

"Why?" said Harry, "What skills do you have?"

"Uhhm…" Colin blushed, "I think you very well know I have very divine photography skills…"

"Um," Harry looked embarrassed, "That…_is _true, but I doubt it will help us on our pirate quest. Sorry, buddy."

"But we'll be famous! Don't you want photographs of it?" Colin whined even more.

"Colin, do you even know who I am? I'm Harry Potter. HARRY POTTER. EVERYONE knows who I am, and they're all probably sick of hearing about me by now. And to be honest, I'm sick of hearing about me as well."

"Really?" asked Colin, "How does that work?"

"Oh, you know, trouble always seems to find me, what with Death Eaters and Dementors and all that jazz. And it all boils down to the same reason: I'm Harry Potter. I was the only one to resist Lord Voldemort, he's pissed off about it, my parents died for me, and now I have to avenge them, and everyone wants in on my next 'adventure'. Adventure? I've risked getting killed at least seven times! And EVERYONE wants to know about what I did, or how I survived! Ugh, why can't we have more tabloids, like the Muggle world does? I know nobody cares about what movie stars do off the screen, or at least no one SHOULD care, but GOD, at least they'd be distracted from ME, and just LEAVE ME ALONE! But nooooo, I'm Harry Potter, and I have to kill the Dark Lord!"

"Captain, I never knew you felt so strongly about this!" said Percy.

"Yeah, I don't talk about it much…but you know, everyone's always trying to find out what I'm doing. Newspapers, interviews…and did you know this lady who somehow knows all that I do is the richest woman in England, next to the Queen?"

"Really? How is she so rich?" said Colin.

"Because everyone wants to read about me, I suppose. And she writes the books, and gets the money! SHE'S getting rich for stuff I'VE done! You know, sometimes that makes me mad, but you know what? I've got to do what I've got to do."

"You'd better be careful about what you say, Harry," said Colin, "Without that lady, you might not exist. Aren't you what they call 'copyrighted', and the author of this story is technically not allowed to write about you?"

"You're right, Colin, we'd better stop," said Harry, "But you know what I've always wondered?"

"What's that, Captain?" asked Percy.

"You know how in school they teach you to forgive people? Like how if Malfoy acts like an ass to me, or calls Hermione a Mudblood, or makes fun of your family, Percy, for being poor? Well, with things like that, we're always told, just ignore him and forgive him because he's just an idiot…yet when they hear about Lord Voldemort killing my parents, the first thing people say? 'You must kill him'! I mean, that's so hypocritical! They teach you to forgive, and then tell me to kill someone for a wrongdoing! Like, what if I just FORGAVE Voldemort?"

"…you…want to forgive Lord Voldemort…" Percy eyed Harry oddly.

"Well, no, don't get me wrong, I want to kill the bastard, I've come this far, it's kind of a prophecy that I have to, and besides, that would be a TOTALLY LAME story, no matter how good the moral may be. But…isn't that weird, guys? How people just contradict themselves?"

Percy and Colin murmured in reply.

"Totally."

"No kidding."

"Yeah…" said Harry, "But anyways…no Colin, you can't come along on the voyage. Sorry."

"WHAT?!" Colin yelled, "I just took part in that huge discussion!"

"But you won't be a valuable asset to our team!" said Percy, "Why do you want on so badly?"

"I kind of want to impress…someone…SHUT UP!! Why I want to be on the voyage is none of your business! I'll scrub decks! I'll prepare the plank! I'll steer the ship! I'll do anything!" Colin pleaded.

"I just don't think so, Colin."

"I'll pay you a thousand Galleons?" said Colin.

"No!" Harry fumed, "Buzz off!"

"Wait a minute, Captain," said Percy, a glint in his eye, "He DID say he'd do anything…and a thousand Galleons? We could buy a sword with that! And lessons! As first mate, I advise you that we take him! Or at least his money."

"You're right, Percy. Come, Colin, we've got to finish becoming a pirate!"

"Oh boy!" Colin jumped for joy and immediately locked arms on the other side of Harry, and started to skip and sing along to their shanty that he somehow instantly learned.

_**We're off to fight the Dark Lord, **_

_**The most awful Dark Lord of All **_

_**You'll find he is an ass of a Lord! **_

_**If ever an ass there bore **_

_**If ever oh ever a Lord there was **_

_**Lord Voldemort is one Because, **_

_**Because, Because, Because, Because, Becaaaauuuuuuse… **_

_**Because of the horrible things he does**_

_**-LA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA-**_

_**We're off to fight the Dark Lord, the most awful dark Lord of alllllllllll!**_


	7. The Sword Chooses You

_Note: Thank you for all your generous reviews. No, I'm not making the chapters longer._

**Chapter Six**

**The Sword Chooses You**

As the three newfound pirates skipped along, they turned a corner, and suddenly the air was colder. The buildings were shabbier, and shadows loomed in every corner. They stopped skipping, and fearfully began to edge thier way through the creepy road.

"Uh oh..." gulped Colin, "What is this place? It's creepy."

"It's Knockturn Alley," said Percy, "You aren't scared, are you?"

"Of-of course not!" Colin stammered.

"Well, I've been here before," said Harry, "Yes, it is creepy, but I need to buy a sword. We'll look around here for one."

"Heya Harry, why don't you use the Gryffindor Sword?" asked Percy.

"It may be a Horcrux, remember?" Harry replied, "I suppose I could break the Horcrux when I bash it over Voldemort's head, but I'd rather not deal with it."

The three continued to shuffle down the creepy street that seemed to be getting darker and darker as they made it further down.

"You know what?" said Percy, "I hear there are people in this alley who will follow you around for no reason..."

"Like a stalker?" replied Harry.

"Yeah!"

"Well, I heard there are homeless people who will sit there and beg for money, and won't get a job!" said Harry.

"A Hobo?" asked Colin

"Yeah...but I guess there's nothing wrong with hobos, unless they try to hurt you," said Harry, "Sometimes it's not people's fault if they can't get jobs. A lot of them are mentally ill and suffer from drug problems too."

"That's true, Cap'n," said Percy, "I also hear there are PROSTITUTES down this alley!"

"Skanks???" Colin's face turned pale, "Oh no, now I'm really scared!"

The three started to nervously skip faster, as Percy and Harry simultaneously started to chant.

"Stalkers, and hobos and skanks!"

"Oh no!" cried Colin.

"Stalkers, and hobos and skanks!"

"Oh no!"

As they skipped faster and faster, their voices grew louder and louder.

"Stalkers, and hobos and skanks!"

"Oh no!"

"**Stalkers, and hobos and skanks!"**

"**Oh no!"**

"_**Stalkers, and hobos and skanks!"**_

"_**Oh no!"**_

"_**Stalkers, and hobos and skanks!"**_

"_**Oh no!"**_

"_**STALKERS AND HOBOS AND SKANKS!"**_

"_**OH NO!"**_

"_**STALKERS and HOBOS and---"**_

A figure suddenly jumped up from a pile of tattered blankets and garments on the side of the street.

"YAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!"

The three pirates stopped dead in thier tracks and screamed, "YIIIIKKKKEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!"

"Excuse me," the figure said, suddenly calmed down and politely, "But I'm a working homeless person, and I find the term 'hobo' offensive. And I'm trying to sleep, could you please keep it down?"

"Oh..." Harry blushed, "S...sorry."

The person flopped back on his garments and was snoring momentarily.

"Gee...that's embarrassing," said Colin, "Oh look, a weapon store!"

The three pirates looked to their left, and sure enough, there was a large Wal-Mart.

"What the WTF?" said Percy, "Wal-Mart? Wal-Mart does not sell weapons. And since when did Muggle stores come into the Magic World?"

"Percy…did you just say 'What the WTF'?" asked Harry.

"Yeah…isn't that was muggle kids say on instant messaging?" said Percy.

"No, WTF stands for 'What the f- - -.' So you basically said, 'what the what the f- - -'," Colin explained.

"You Muggles are so complicated," Percy grumbled.

"Anyways, I personally believe it's worth a shot," said Harry, "The manager is probably a wizard, so maybe he's selling Wizard things. They should be able to sell swords. If not we'll just get a really, really sharp knife from the camping section."

The three skipped into the store, where the automatic door slid open before them. Sure enough, they saw a sign above an aisle that said, "WEAPONS", ironically next to the toy aisle.

"See?" said Colin, matter-of-factly.

"Well SO-REEEEEE," Percy groaned sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Come on, guys, maybe you can pick some weapons out as well," said Harry, and they began to amble up the weapon aisle.

A fat little man in a blue Wal-Mart vest covered in pins was suddenly at his side. Harry noticed one of his pins said, _'Ask me about serenading your sweetheart!'_

"Oy there, sir," he spoke in a gruff voice, "Need some help?"

"Uh, no thanks," said Harry, "Thank you though." He couldn't help but feel the man looked familiar…

"Oy, you sure, sir? You look like the type who could do with a nice Hilary Duff CD."

"That's a weapon?" Harry raised his eyebrows.

"I suppose it's more of a repellant—everyone leaves the room whenever it starts to play!"

"OOOOOHHHHH BUUUUURRRRRRNNNN!" Percy and Colin shouted simultaneously.

"Uhm, no, I'm actually looking for a sword, I don't need a CD," Harry mumbled.

"Oh! Well, let me help you…you know, just like a wand, the sword chooses its owner!" The little man grabbed a stepladder, and climbed upon it to grab a sword from the top rack with a dragon design on the blade. He handed it to Harry.

"Um…how will I know it's chosen me?" Harry asked.

"Well, same as a wand, give it a wave!"

"Uh, are you sure? I don't think that's a…"

"GIVE IT A WAVE!"

Harry nervously waved the sword in his hand like he waved his wand before he bought it before his first year at Hogwarts. The sword flew out of his hands and sailed over into the next aisle.

_-SPLAT-_

"OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!!!!" a man was heard screaming in pain.

"Oh no!" Harry gasped, "I…I'd better not do this anymore…"

"Oh, nonsense!" said the funny little man, and grabbed him another one, this one silver and shiny, "Try this one."

"But…but I just really, really hurt someone!" Harry stammered.

"Oh well, trying out swords actually increases sales in the first aid department."

"What the WTF?!" Harry exclaimed, "What is wrong with you?!"

"Did you just say 'What the WTF'?" Colin asked.

"Never mind what I said!" Harry shouted.

"Hey, I know who you are!" Percy shouted, "You're that Cupid who gave everyone those silly serenades on Valentines Day during Harry's second year!"

"Oh, yeah," the funny little man mumbled, "I kind of…got fired from that job. At least I get benefits working here!"

Harry waved the sword, and it slashed the little man on the stomach. He dropped to his knees, clutching his stomach, howling in pain.

"Well, this one seems fine," said Harry, "Come on guys, pick a sword! Ooh, they have a three-for-the-price-of-one deal! Looks like mine comes with a package for free sword fighting lessons, too!"

"What a great deal!" said Percy and Colin, and began to browse, ignoring the little ex-Cupid man, writhing on the floor, blood dribbling down onto the tiles.

"WHY WON'T YOU HELP ME?!" He screamed.

"Oh, right!" said Harry, and ran off for a moment. He came back a few seconds later with a first aid kit, and dropped it next to the man.

"Why don't you purchase it, you'll be helping the store," said Harry, and made his way to the cashier to pay for his sword. He couldn't help but smile as he heard the man crying out in pain and protest behind him.


	8. HOURS LATER

**HOURS LATER…**


	9. The Unforgettable Forgettables

**Chapter Seven**

**The Unforgettable Forgettables**

"_**We're off to fight the Dark Lord, **_

_**The most awful Dark Lord of allllllllll!"**_

The three pirates, now fully equipped with swords, continued to skip down the road, singing their song. They had long since left Knockturn Alley, hailed the Knight Bus and sped off into the country. The Knight Bus had dropped them off at Wharameye, the town closest to where the Douchebag map showed the sword trainer's house. Harry had received the business card with the address when he had purchased his sword.

"Say, Harry," said Percy as the three skipped, "Does this town seem a little odd to you?"

"I can't tell, we're still skipping," said Harry, and the three skidded to a halt ("awww, dang, skipping is fun!" whined Colin) and began to look around the town.

The houses, where people lived, looked like they were all under construction —many were not painted, some had roof shingles lying on the ground, as if someone were going to construct a roof any moment, some just had the foundation and were having lunch on the soil, or some houses just had the walls of a basement up in a hole in the ground, with the rest of the house not built, where people had made makeshift homes in. There was a half-finished supermarket that was missing letters on the sign, so it just said, "S FE Y", where people were walking out with bags of groceries, and a few steps out the door, they would suddenly stop and look confused, and head back in, as if they had forgotten something. Right next to the store there was a gas station where people were looking quizzically at their cars, opening the hoods, poking the rubber of the tires, peering into the windows, as if they had no idea what their cars even did.

"You're right…" said Harry, eyeing the place oddly, "This town seems a tad…odd."

"Oh, hello," said an old woman walking by, a pink comb in her hand, "Excuse me dears, I seem to have lost my pink comb. Do you know where it is?"

"Erm," said Colin, "It seems to be in your hand."

"Eh?" she looked at the pink comb in her hand, and laughed, "Oh! Why so it is!" She began to walk on, combing her hair, when she turned around, "Do you even know what a comb does?" she asked again.

The pirates did a double take around the town and Percy gasped, "Good lord! This is Wharameye, the town where they send people who have been bewitched by memory charms!"

"A memory charm?" asked the lady, "Why, what is that? Is it a vegetable?"

"No wonder nothing's finished!" shouted Harry, "They must have forgot what they were doing right in the middle of building their houses!"

"And forgotten what they went to go buy at the store!" said Percy.

"OR WHY THEY HAVE CRUSHES ON PEOPLE, FAR, FAR OLDER THAN THEM!" Colin shouted in dismay.

Percy and Harry stopped shouting and looked over at Colin, who immediately blushed.

"I mean…oh no…memory charms…aaaaaah!" he mumbled, shifting his eyes awkwardly.

Some menacing background music all of a sudden began to play, and three civilians from the town raced over, and lined themselves up in front of the pirates, one in front of each, their fists raised by their faces.

"Yikes! It looks like a battle!" Colin shouted, "But…but we don't know how to fight!"

"I don't even know why they're fighting us…" said Harry, "Maybe we should ask them…wait a minute, they won't remember why either."

"Let's kick some butt!" Percy shouted and the three drew their swords, and thrust them out at the menacing-looking civilians.

"WAIT!" Colin screamed, "We don't know how to fight! The sword-master's house is near here, that's why we're here!"

The three pirates stood motionless for a moment.

"RUN AWAY!" Harry bellowed, and the three pirates sheathed their swords and sped away from the battle, and dashed out of the town's borders, screaming their lungs out as they flailed their arms through the air.


	10. The Art of the

_(Note: Yes, I know this story is written in a choppy way. I've written better, trust me. Yes, the chapters are still short, but this one actually might turn out to be the longest one yet. I believe it's easier; with our nation having shorter and shorter attention spans, the readers will be better at paying attention when there is less to read at one time, especially on a computer._

_The website group shown is actually true. I have permission from the administrator from the group to use it, Becky Fresina. Join if you wish! And thanks again for the reviews!)_

**Chapter Eight**

**The Art of the…**

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The three pirates continued to bolt out of Wharameye, while screaming, even as they reached the outskirts and were back in the countryside. They of course did not notice this, because they were too preoccupied with being terrified and escaping the battle. The three of them, however, failed to notice a short wooden fence in front of them. They painfully bashed their shins on the beams and went flying over it.

Waaaaauuuuuggggh!" the three crashed face-first onto the lawn, getting fresh grass stains on their clothes, not to mention a mouthful of grass. Harry was the first one to look up from the ground, and started spitting out grass.

"_-blat, blat-_ wh_-blat-_ where are we?" he said, and struggled up into a kneeling position, and pulled the Douchebag map out of his pocket.

"Oh! Here we are at the Sword Master's! Come on crew, let's go!" he jumped up, and as he brushed grass off his clothes, he headed up to the front door, and knocked briskly.

The door swung open, and a tall, shirtless and VERY muscular man with shiny blonde hair stepped out. He had a broad face, a square jaw, and round blue eyes, with a mouth jammed full of white, pearly teeth. As Harry studied him, he couldn't help but notice he was a tad familiar…

"Oh my, he's cute!" said Percy, jumping up from the grass, "Even I think so, and I'm straight! Wow!"

"I wouldn't go that far," Colin mumbled under his breath beside him as he made his way over to the house as well.

"I am the Sword Master of all of England!" he boomed, "Who goes there?"

Harry's jaw dropped when he realized who it was.

"GILDEROY LOCKHART?!"

"Yikes! AWWWWWWWWKWAAAARRRRRRRRD!" Percy shouted, turning beet red.

"What? Who? Who is this Gilderoy Lockhart you speak of? My name is Blade Sharpe!" Gilderoy threw out his chest and looked proud.

"What the…"Harry started, but was interrupted by Colin,

"OOOOOOOH….wait a minute…the memory charm! He used Ron's wand in the second book and it backfired! Remember?"

"Oh, right," said Harry, "But still…You had to think of a new name for yourself and you came up with BLADE SHARPE? You're a sword master and you call yourself BLADE SHARPE?! God, that is the most UNCREATIVE and LAME name I've ever heard!"

"Why don't you call yourself Yerry Dinglehopper?" Percy suggested.

"Baron van Holgwitz?" said Colin.

"Sir Reginald Razoola?" said Percy, and the two began going back and forth suggesting names.

"Maya Butreeks?"

"Al Koholic?"

"Hugh Jass?"

"Seymour Butts?

"Harry Butts?"

"Say," said Percy, "We could call him a girl name too, he doesn't know the difference, like…Anita! Anita Hoare!"

"Or Anita Bath!" Said Colin.

"Anita B. Lojob!"

"Anya Neeze!"

"Annie Rection!"

"Thank you, crew, that will be quite enough," said Harry, "Now you're just being immature and stupid."

"All interesting names aside…and the fact that you INSULTED MY NAME…" Gilder—I mean, BLADE, glared at Harry, "Is it sword fighting lessons you want?"

"Yes, please," said Harry, "If you can."

"Why, of course! Step right in!" Blade stepped aside and the three pirates walked into his house, a charming small log cabin, with swords mounted all along the walls, a tiny kitchen in the corner, and his bed with a desk and computer in another corner. In the middle of the house was a large stuffed dummy that looked like it was made out of a punching bag, and an idiotic smiley face was painted on it.

"Hmm, impressive," said Harry, "The house is actually finished…"

"All right," said Blade, and picked up three identical plastic circles, "The art of the sword is quite simple! Now, attach these to the handles of your sword."

Harry attatched the piece and studied it: four buttons were on it, on opposite ends of the circle: a button with a green triangle on top, a button with a blue X on the bottom, a button with a pink square on the left, and a button with a red circle on the right.

"Heeeeeey!" Colin gasped, "This looks like my Muggle game system, the…"

"Playstation!" shouted Blade, "Oh yes, this makes fighting SO MUCH easier! Now, what you do, is simply aim your sword at the target you want to hit, and push X to deliver a normal blow. Like so."

Blade grabbed one of his swords off the wall, and pointed it at the dummy. Harry watched as he pushed the X button with a flick of his thumb, and he suddenly whirled forward and slashed at the dummy.

"Hah! How's THAT for ya??"

"Wow…that makes it easy!" said Harry, "Thanks!"

"And you can push the square button if you would like to use your magic during battle! You ARE wizards of course," said Blade, "To cancel your action and do something else, press the triangle button. You can do special moves, too, with different combinations of buttons! Here is an instruction manual on what moves you can do! You can memorize them as you go along!"

Blade handed Harry a small booklet and Harry took it as he said, "Easy enough. What about the circle button?"

"Ah…the circle button," said Blade, "This…is special. When you feel like you're low on health, you can hold down this circle button—you'll do a limit break!"

"A what?" asked Harry.

"You know, a limit break! An EXTRA-SPECIAL move that will summon up all the power in you and will unleash a super-deadly attack!"

"Sweet!" exclaimed Percy, "Hey, let's beat each other up so we'll be in low health to get it all the time!" He lunged against Colin, but Harry reached out his arm and restrained him.

"That was far easier than we thought it would be," Harry said to Blade as he still struggled to keep Percy back, "Thanks very much, Gilder—I mean, Blade…"

"You are very welcome, boys!" he said, "I hope this helps you on your quest. I'd better get back to my second job."

"What's that?" asked Colin.

"Oh! I am a member of the IPFC!" he said, and pointed at his computer, "The International Protection of Fictional Characters! It's an internet-based organization on  that serves to keep fictional characters from being too ruined in fanfiction!"

"Wow!" said Harry, "That's great! I am SO SICK of reading gay fan-fictions about Draco Malfoy and I! I mean, not that homosexuality is wrong, but come on! So many of them are tastelessly done! If you're going to screw up the story so much, do it with style! Most of the people who write them are thirteen year old girls who think they're rebels. 'Oh look at me, I'm making them gay and writing this gross sex story!' "

"True that," said Colin, "I'm yet to find a well-written fan-fiction like that. I even read one where you were pregnant with Draco's child, Harry!" said Colin.

"Excuse me, I think I'm going to be sick," said Harry, and bolted outside, covering his mouth.

"How does that even work?" Percy scratched his head.

"I mean, I think fanfictions are cool, it's nice to get the imaginations going," Blade continued, while grotesque vomiting noises were heard from outside, "But there's a fine line between creativity, and just plain stupid!"

"Agreed," said Percy and Colin together.

A few minutes later, Harry came back into the room as he wiped his mouth, "All right, that's better. Well, thanks again, Blade. We'd best be going."

The three made their way towards the door, when suddenly Blade's booming voice behind them sounded, "Wait!"

Turning around, they saw Blade beginning to pick up a sword, and looking suddenly darker and angrier, "You don't think you're leaving without paying, do you?"

"Oh…money….right…" Harry blushed, "How much is it?"

When Blade named the price, all three of the pirates gulped, and turned white. Harry began to stammer out a sentence as the three of them started to back up slowly.

"Well, I guess…that's….a…reasonable…RUN AWAY!!!" he shouted suddenly, and the three pirates whirled around and bolted towards the door and began to scramble against each other, each pirate trying to squeeze by the other in an effort to be the first one out. Suddenly the same menacing background music began to play, and the three of them whirled around to see Blade standing in the middle of the room, holding an enormous sword.

"Uh oh, looks like a battle, captain!" said Colin.

"You're right," said Harry, "Well, let's try out these swords!"

Blade suddenly shoved Harry into the wall behind him without even using his sword, and Harry toppled into the plaster.

"OUCH!" he shouted.

"Yikes, Harry," said Colin, "It looks like that took a lot of health!"

"How can you tell?" he said as he rubbed his head free of plaster bits.

"Well, these numbers at the top of your head say so!"

Harry blinked and looked up, and saw that, sure enough, there was a little blue box above his head that said 'HARRY: 15/45 HEALTH POINTS'.

"It took 3 quarters of my health," Harry muttered to himself, "I wonder if…" he looked down at his sword handle, the red circle button…

"HARRY! WATCH OUT!" Percy yelled, and Harry was able to roll out of a sword swipe made by Blade. Percy pushed the X button on his sword, and whipped forward to deliver a slash on Blade's chest. Blade's box then read, 'BLADE: 89/100 HEALTH POINTS'.

Harry pushed the circle button, and suddenly felt a great deal of strength surging up inside him. He rushed forward and began to slash violently at Blade, delivering blow after blow, until finally a red bolt of the expelliarmus spell flew out of Harry's sword and knocked Blade to his feet. His health points now read 5/100.

"Wow!" said Harry when the strength died down, "That must be a limit break!"

"Should we finish him?" asked Colin as he pointed at Blade, lying there moaning on the floor.

"Uh…no. Let's not," said Harry, "Let's just go, and we'd better take this with us. I feel a little better now, maybe my health points will just heal automatically as I walk."

"What about Professor Lockhart? Well, the former professor, shall I say," asked Colin.

"Who cares? He shouldn't have started a big fuss like that just because we couldn't afford it," said Percy, "Let's go."

As the three pirates began to leave the house and the battle music died down, Harry couldn't help but point his wand over his shoulder and fire a healing spell to Blade.

"Gee," said Colin, as they began to walk back into the countryside, "I hope these battles don't come up very much."

--BA DA DA DA DA!--

"There goes the music, who could be attacking us now?" said Percy, and suddenly three squirrels ran up and raised their claws at the pirates. With a few slashes from the pirates, they were gone.

"That was weird," said Harry as they continued to walk, "Wildlife has never attacked us like that before."

--BA DA DA DA DA!--

"Not again!" Colin groaned, "What now?"

Three large chickens ran up to the pirates and bared their beaks. The pirates hacked away at them, and the battle was over again in a matter of seconds.

"Seriously, this has never happened before," Colin continued as they walked on, "Do you think it could have something to do with the…"

--BA DA DA DA DA!—

"THAT DOES IT!" Percy screamed as three kangaroos hopped up, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH WITH THESE STUPID BATTLES! YOU THREE, GO AWAY! WE DID NOTHING TO YOU, SO LEAVE!"

The kangaroos looked scared as their eyes widened, and they hastily jumped away.

"You know what?" said Harry, as he ripped his control piece off his sword handle and threw it on the ground, "These are easy to use, but if it means all these battles are coming about, forget it!"

Percy and Colin ripped their pieces off and threw them away as well.

"Wow, Percy," said Colin as they began to walk again, "You sent those kangaroos away merely by yelling at them." In response to this, Percy scoffed.

"The art of the sword? Hardly. I'm beginning to think it's more about the art of the tongue."


	11. Setting Sail

**Chapter Nine**

**Setting Sail**

"All right, so you're SURE this will work?" said Harry, pulling an eye-patch over his eye.

"Yes!" said Percy, "Remember we were about to do it with Madame Malkins? But then you didn't want to because we still had some money! Well, guess what, we got no money now, we used the last of it go pay for the Knight Bus here, so this is our only option! We're going to STEAL a boat from this shipyard, like real pirates would!"

"Well...if you say so..." said Harry, and grabbed his sword, and pointed at the first boat he saw, a fancy-looking yacht near the dock, "Uhm, how about that one?"

"We are pirates!" said Percy, "We can't use that! That's a yacht!"

"But a very NICE yacht, at that!" said Colin, and to this, Percy replied, "True."

"All right, crew, lets go!" Said Harry, and the three of them raced off towards the yacht. They leapt from the dock onto the deck of the boat, where a bronzed girl in a red two-piece bathing suit and a large pair of sunglasses was laid out on a beach chair, tanning, and seemed to be asleep.

"YARRRR!!!!" Harry shouted, and pointed his sword at the girl, "I'M HARRY POTTER, PIRATE EXTRAORDINAIRE, AND WE HAVE COME TO TAKE YOUR SHIP! YARRRRRRRR!"

"HARRY?!" A familiar voice exclaimed, and the girl bolted upright, and raised her sunglasses with a puzzled look on her face, "Pirate Extraordinare?! Have you gone completely mad? What do you think you're doing on my yacht?"

"Hermione!" Harry gasped, "I had no idea, I'm so sorry, but since when have you owned a yacht?"

"Aren't they super expensive?" added Colin.

"Yes, they are," said Hermione, reaching over to the side to take a sip out of her glass of iced tea with a wedge of lemon on the top, "But no fear--as always, I had the top marks in my house for six years straight now, and my parents decided to congratulate me! My father is the owner of the car company GM motors, so we can afford it!"

"GM Motors?" asked Harry.

"Why, yes, Granger Motors!" Hermione looked proud.

"I thought GM stood for the Muggle car company General Motors," said Colin.

"Yeah, they wish!" said Hermione, rolling her eyes, "And now, if you don't mind, I must ask you, what is with this pirate business?"

"All right," Harry sighed, "After all, you are my best friend, and I didn't mean to barge in on your nice time, I'll tell you..."

"Great! But just a minute, I'd like some more iced tea," she said, and began shaking the glass in her hand so that the ice cubes rattled, "CABANA BOY!" she called, and out the door of the indoor part of the yacht walked a tall teenage boy dressed in a sky blue, sparkly thong with another glass of iced tea sitting on a tray in his hand.

"RON?!?!" Harry screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGH!" Ron jumped two feet into the air, sending the iced tea glass sailing off the tray to sploosh into the water seconds later, and used the tray to cover himself up, his speech stammered and his face as red as his hair "This is, aahhhh, my, ahhh, summer job, this thong, is my, aaaah uniform, oh my god..."

"Ronald Weasely!" Percy put his hands on his hips, "Do Mum and Dad have ANY idea you're out here?!"

"Not exactly...they think I'm working as a Lifeguard at the Beauxbaton's Summer School."

"Oh boy, wait until they hear about this!" Percy rubbed his hands together gleefully.

"You do that, and I'l tell you what REALLY happened on the night of the Quidditch championship night in your sixth year," said Ron.

Percy squealed, "Oh, you wouldn't!"

"Wouldn't I?"

"What happened?" said Harry.

"NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX!" Percy bellowed, while Ron laughed.

"Well, it goes like this, see Percy was very happy that the Griffindor team won, so he..."

A large yacht, much bigger than Hermione's, all of a sudden floated up beside the crew's boat, and loudly blew their horn, while Ron continued explaining to a shocked crew what happened to Percy.

--TOOT! TOOT!--

"Ewww! Percy!" said Harry, when Ron was done telling, "I didn't know you had it in you!"

"What are you saying 'Eww' for? It sounds somewhat heroic!" said Colin, "Good on you Percy."

"I am going to murder you, little brother," Percy growled, "Because of that episode, Penelope dumped me."

"Why, cuz she saw how small it was?!" Hermione cackled.

"Naw, I think it was more the terrible job he did," said Ron.

"Sounds like he needs a little more practice," said Harry.

"Not to mention more equipment," added Colin.

"SHUT UP! EVERYONE, JUST SHUT UP! It's not my fault the common room was messy, and i wanted to clean it up, but I only had one mop, and it was a very, very small one, and Penelope was angry because she didn't think I cleaned it well enough so she left me!" Percy shouted, while the four howled with laughter.

"Fine! Sheesh, we were just having some fun," said Harry turning and pointing to the yacht, "Now, who's boat is that?"

A large group of girls rushed to the dock, and started screaming and cheering, taking photographs and waving. Harry heard several of their screeching voices.

"Ohmigosh! We found her!"

"It's Hermione!"

"And OHMIGOD LOOK! IT'S HARRY TOO!"

"And Ron! Ooh, what a sexy outfit!"

"Oh no!" Hermione groaned, "They followed me! Part of the reason I wanted this yacht was so that they couldn't find me!"

"Who are they?" asked Harry, "They seem to know all of us."

"They are none other than...the Fangirl Squad," Hermione shuddered, "Groupies of Harry Potter, and the stories, movies, characters, and everything else you could possibly associate with it. They've done nothing but follow me around ever since I appeared in the first book."

"How come they never looked for us?" said Harry.

"Probably because I am Muggle-born, and all of the Fangirls are Muggles, so they see me around more."

The ugliest one of them all seemed to be shouting the loudest.

"OMG IT'S HARRY RON AND HERMIONE AND COLIN AND PERCY I'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG FOR THEM I REALLY HAVE NO LIFE LOL!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!1111one:D :D :) Wheeeeeeee!!!!!" In her sheer mania, she leapt off the edge of the boat and into the water, still cackling. She started to swim back to shore, still laughing. "Haaaahhheeee woo ack! Tee hee hee! Hoo hoo hoo!!"

"What...the...HELL did she just say?" asked Ron.

"Oh, that's instant messaging slang," said Hermione, "They just like to use it in regular speech rather than just typing."

"What?" Ron asked, dumbfounded, and to this, Hermione sighed and just said, "It's a muggle invention that is supposed to improve communication between people globally, but ironically has led to thousands of people sounding like idiots when they type because they don't take time to use proper grammar or spelling, and instead use abbreviations like 'lol', 'omg', 'c u l8r' and stuff like that."

"Oh, I see," said Ron.

-Clank! Clank! Clank!-

"Yikes!" Colin shouted as three grappling hooks were thrown onto the top of Hermione's yacht, and three girls used the ropes attached to the hooks to swing over, "They're coming aboard!"

They plunked themselves onto the deck, and grinned, "Hello!" the one with black hair, green eyes and glasses said, "We are the three leaders of the Fangirl Squad, and let me say, on behalf of the entire Fangirl Squad, it's a true honor to meet you! My name is Harriet Potts!"

She then pointed to the other two girls, one with thick brown hair, and one with flaming orange hair and freckles, and introduced them, "And this is Hermyra Greggs and Rhonda Wheeler!"

"Charmed!" the two smiled and waved.

"OUT! ALL OF YOU, OUT OUT OUT!" Hermione started jumping up and down and screaming "OFF MY BOAT NOW!!!! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING BUT BOTHER ME AND FOLLOW ME AROUND FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS AND I'M SICK OF IT!!! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!!! BEAT IT!! SCRAM!!!!"

"Wow..." said Harriet, and then threw her nose in the air, "Hmmph! I see the Hermione we followed turns out to be more ill tempered than we thought! Come on ladies, let's go! We don't need HER anymore!"

With that, the three leaders grabbed their grappling hooks and in seconds were on their boat again.

"All right girls!" Harriet Potts shouted, "Next stop...Diagon Alley, for our annual Wizard shopping spree!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" the girls cheered and the boat set sail again.

"YOU NEED A WAND TO GET INTO DIAGON ALLEY YOU KNOW!!!" Hermione shouted at the ship.

"Oh, let it go, Hermione," said Harry, "So, uh, back to business...do you think we could...maybe...oh, say, borrow this ship for a while?"

"Borrow?" said Hermione, "Oh right, this pirate business...with all the interruptions, you still haven't told me what this pirate business is all about."

--TEN MINUTES LATER--

"Well! That sounds plausible!" Hermione nodded, "Fine, you can have the boat."

"Really! Great! Thank you!" Harry made his way over to Hermione to hug her, but she held out her hand.

"...as long as you let Ron and I come along on your mission," said Hermione.

Harry looked at the both of them, and then smiled, "Well, of course! I can't have an adventure without you two! You guys have always been there for me!"

"Wonderful! So it's settled!" said Hermione, "Now, let's go finish the job of destroying the Dark Lord!"

"Sounds great," said Percy, "But before we go...Ron, can you PLEASE change out of that thong?"


	12. Misadventures on the Voyage

**Chapter Ten**

**Misadventures on the Voyage**

Harry sat down at a desk, and opened his notebook to a clean page, and started to think of what to write.

"Hey Harry, whatcha doing?" said Colin, coming up behind him, eating from a bowl of Alpha-ghetti.

"I'm keeping a captain's diary," he replied, "It seems lots of pirate captains do it, so I thought maybe I should too, to keep a record of the voyage."

"You sure you don't want to play Twister with us up on deck? I heard Ron and Hermione talking about it in secret, but I thought it'd be fun to join in too!"

"Uh, no, that's fine, Colin. Thanks anyway."

Colin sped away, and Harry went back to his paper, and began to write.

_DAY TEN:_

_I don't have a calendar, and I don't remember what day I left, so I am just guessing that this is the tenth day of the voyage, and probably the seventeenth day or so of the quest itself. How funny. Well, the Douchebag map says we're coming close to Voldemort, and I really hope it's true; I am getting very, very, bored. To be honest, I just want this quest to be done. I want that bastard dead. _

_I honestly thought we'd run out food, or see a shark, like they do in real pirate stories. I don't think we'll starve, since the only things left here are tons and TONS of cans of Alpha-ghetti—we ate the rest of the food, I think Percy ate the last croissant. Luckily there's still a lot of cans left. I do, however, hope we don't get malnourished or scurvy like pirates do, just by eating all this canned tomato sauce and pasta. And as for sharks, well, so far the scariest thing on this voyage has been seeing Ron in a thong. _

_Just because we have not starved or seen a shark does not mean the voyage has been uneventful. Why, just the second day of the voyage, I was nearly scared to death when Hermione almost murdered two teenagers! _

**FLASHBACK OF VOYAGE DAY TWO:**

_**-Toot! Toot!-**_

Harry looked up to see another yacht passing them. Two teenagers, a boy and girl, were standing on the edge, waving.

"Excuse me!" they shouted, "Do you guys have a computer on your yacht?"

"I'm not sure," Harry called back, "I'd have to check with Hermione, why?"

"Oh, because we are super bored on our yacht, we were wondering if you had a computer, do you want to play World of Warcraft with us?"

_**-BLAM! BLAM!-**_

Two gunshots sounded and Harry jumped, horrified, as he saw the two teenagers crumple to the floor of their yacht.

"OH, OH MY GOD!!!! HELP! THEY'VE BEEN SHOT! SOMEONE! CALL AN AMBULANCE! HELP! HELP!" Harry began to panic.

"Don't worry, they're just BB bullets!" he heard Hermione's voice, and looked up to the next level to see her blowing the smoke off of the end of a plastic gun.

"Hermione, what the hell?!" Harry gasped, clutching his chest, "You…you SHOT THEM! Why did you do that? They were only asking to play World of Warcraft!"

"You just answered your own question," she said as she slung the gun over her shoulder and walked away.

_And this yacht has far more doors than I thought! It makes me wonder how much Hermione looked at this yacht before she bought it!_

**FLASHBACK OF VOYAGE DAY FOUR:**

Ron, with a bundle of laundry under his arm, opened a door to a large room with several blinding spotlights, and an entire audience was erupting with laughter at a group of teenagers sitting around a table, smoking pot and laughing idiotically.

"THAT 70'S SHOW WILL BE BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES!" an announcer's voice blared on some speakers above the stage, and the audience continued cheering.

"Whoops! Wrong door!" said Ron as he shut the door, and went about his business.

_It seems that Ron and Hermione seem to want more and more privacy lately…_

**FLASHBACK OF VOYAGE DAY THREE:**

The night was shimmering, the ivory of the stars and moon reflected on the lapping waters. Ron and Hermione were standing on the edge of the boat, leaning against the railing, staring out at the night.

"Ron…" whispered Hermione, "Do you really think we can beat Lord Voldemort?"

"Well, it's Harry who has to do it, because of the prophecy," said Ron, and turned around, and began to run his hand through Hermione's hair, "But yes…I believe that we can help Harry, just like I believe in you every day…"

They exchanged soft smiles, and Hermione began to step closer to Ron, when Percy behind them, enjoying a bowl of alpha-ghetti, said, "Awwww, cute!"

Ron and Hermione whirled around with surprise, but once they saw it was Percy, they rolled their eyes and resumed watching the ocean.

**FLASHBACK OF VOYAGE DAY FIVE:**

"Hermione," said Ron at breakfast one day, "Suppose we kill Voldemort and

can make it back to school in time…will you help me with my homework?"

"Ron, you ask me every year, and I always say no, but I always end up helping you in the end because you give me that horrible, terrible, cheap look with those round, blue eyes of yours that just…gets me every time, it's adorable."

Their lips began to creep upwards into smiles, as their cheeks turned pink, and Hermione lightly placed her hand over Ron's.

"HELLLLOOOOOOOO?" Colin shouted across the table, "I've been asking for the past five minutes, PASS THE FREAKING ORANGE JUICE!"

Hermione irritably slammed the bottle down in front of Colin, and resumed eating, her face now bright red, and Ron awkwardly stretched and said, "Wellll…I'd better be hitting the ol' scrubbing the decks…"

**FLASHBACK OF VOYAGE DAY SEVEN:**

"You know, Hermione," said Ron as the two were watching the ocean after supper again, "I hear in seventh year Potions, we get to brew love potions!"

"Oh really, Mr. Weasely?" said Hermione, raising her eyebrows, "And just where did you hear that?"

"Hmm…I just somehow know…"

"Well, want to see if we need to brew one, or should we just not bother?" Hermione turned to face Ron, put her hands on his shoulders and begin to stand on tiptoe to meet Ron's mouth…

"ALL RIGHT!" Percy bellowed as he came up on the deck, "You two are most likely going to hook up in the seventh book, the Rowling's been dragging out the possible romance for quite some time now, we get it now."

_Hmm…you know, all this reminiscing has got me hungry. I'm going to see if Hermione doesn't have any fishing rods or bait in this yacht, because I, for one, am sick of Alpha-ghetti!_


	13. The Trial

_Boop!_

THE CHANNEL CHANGED!!!

DON'T ASK HOW, IT JUST DID!!!!

_**Some obnoxious person:**_

_J.C. Sjelde, how could the channel change when it's clearly a fanfiction and not a television or radio or YouTube program?_

_**J.C. Sjelde:**_

_What did I just say?!_

**AND NOW BACK TO WCTV- WIZARD COURT TELEVSION!!!!**

They sat her down at the hard wooden chair, and Hermione, dressed in a smart-looking pantsuit and black horn-rimmed glasses, her hair in a bun, stood in front of her.

"Name?" she barked at the girl.

"But Hermione, you're not a lawyer!" peeped up Colin.

"Shut up, Colin, or I'm kicking you off jury duty and putting you back on janitor duty!" she hissed back over her shoulder, and turned back to the trembling girl in the chair.

"My…my name is… J.C. Sjelde," the girl at the stand stammered, "Pronounced SHEL-DEE, mind you," she then added importantly, her stammering gone.

"Your_ real_ name?" Hermione put both hands on the podium and leaned into J.C.'s face.

"Why does it matter? It's a freaking fan-fiction site!" the girl retorted back, "And for crying out loud, if you're going to have shwarma at lunch, PLEASE have a Listerine Pocket Pak! hack, hack, hack" she gagged as Hermione stood up, put a hand to her mouth, breathed on it, grimaced at the smell and then curtly replied, "Thank you. I will keep that in mind.

"NOW!" she whirled back around, and began to bark again, "Let's get down to business! What is your case?"

"Case? What case?" said J.C. Sjelde.

"According to the documents, you have not updated _Captain Potter _in over two months. TWO, perhaps even THREE MONTHS!!!! That is an AWFULLY long time to leave an unfinished story alone, wouldn't you say?"

"Yeah…I guess," J.C. Sjelde mumbled sheepishly.

"According to your alibi…you were working full-time at Starbucks Coffee all throughout July. During this time period, you also purchased the seventh Harry Potter novel which you finished within a week. Then in August you were in Germany for three weeks. When you returned home, you had one week left that was spent shopping, paying, and planning for university, and then in September you headed off to, and are now residing in, university!"

"Yep…that sounds about right."

"Do you have anything else to add to this alibi?"

"Well, no," said J.C., "But, I will admit….my goal to finish Captain Potter before the seventh book came out failed. I guess I just gave up after that, since Harry Potter fans all over the world would be reading about how Harry Potter REALLY ended."

"Are you aware that fanfiction, in fact, has still been immensely popular after the seventh book's release?" Hermione barked, flicking a Pocket Pak onto her tongue.

"Well…no. I have not been exactly up to date on fanfiction," she said.

"And why not?"

"Feel like reading my alibi again?" J.C. sneered, "You basically explained why _Captain Potter_ has been neglected."

"True. So, therefore, what do you plead?" said Hermione.

"Busy!" J.C. piped, "I've been busy! I'm sorry, it sounds like a totally lame and overused excuse, but it's the truth! I kid you not!"

Hermione raised one eyebrow at her, saying nothing.

"And...and I also plead 'lazy'?" J.C. shrugged.

"That's better!" Hermione primly game a nod.

Judge Luna Lovegood was sitting up at the podium, reading a Garfield comic book.

"Tee hee…you can't eat all that lasanga, can you?" she snickered.

"Um…your honor?" said Hermione.

"Oh! Right!" Luna snapped to attention, "So, the verdict hereby pleads 'busy' and 'lazy', and will be sentenced to finishing the fanfiction!"

WHACK! she slammed her hammer onto the podium.

"Court adjourned! Next case…the murder trial of Albus Dumbledore!" Luna announced.

"Excuse me, your honor," whispered Neville Longbottom, the bailiff, "The seventh book explains why Albus was murdered."

"The seventh book of what?"

"Um…The Harry Potter series? With Harry, Ron, Hermione, Voldemort, and the rest of the gang? Including YOU?"

"I'm featured in a book?" Luna blinked spaciously.

THE CHANNEL CHANGED BACK!

_Boop!_


	14. Death Eater Vacations Ltd

**Chapter Eleven**

**Death-Eater Vacations Ltd.**

The next morning, while eating another bowl of alpha-ghetti, Colin, the yacht look-out, suddenly screamed as he stared through his binoculars, "SHIP, HO!!!!!!!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Hermione leapt up from her beach chair as she rolled up the magazine she was reading and began to lunge at Colin.

"No, no, no! I mean, I see the ship!"

Harry dashed onboard from the captain's cabin, "Did I hear you saw the ship? The pirate ship?"

"Pirate ship?" said Colin, "Well…it doesn't look like a pirate ship…all I see is a big cruise ship."

"A cruise ship?" said Ron, "But…we heard Voldemort was on a pirate ship!"

"We overheard Malfoy talking about Death Eaters on a pirate ship…I don't understand!" said Percy.

"Well, I don't see any other ship, and besides, there's the Dark Mark right above it!" shouted Colin.

The crew had a dramatic communal gasp as they saw, with horror, the dreaded Dark Mark loomed above the ship. Oh no!

"Wait a minute…that's not the Dark Mark…is it?" Ron squinted, puzzled, at the Mark.

"It is…" said Harry, "But it's somehow different."

The Dark Mark skeleton head was the same, but the snake from its mouth was gone. The skeleton now had a relaxing look on its face, and was slurping a smoothie through a straw, with Hawaiian leis around its head.

"What _is_ that thing?" Hermione shielded her eyes in an attempt to get a better look at it.

"It looks like a party version of the Death Eater skeleton!" Harry exclaimed.

"And it looks like it got lei'd!" Percy guffawed, then turned to Ron, "Hey Ron, did you hear my joke? I said 'It looks like the skeleton got leid', because he is wearing a Hawaiian lei, but it sounds like he…"

"Yes, Percy, I get the joke," Ron groaned.

"Let's get a closer look," said Harry, changing the subject. The crew scrambled to the bow, and Harry took Colin's binoculars to look through.

"Good God!" Harry exclaimed, "It IS a cruise ship! And it's Voldemort's! The ship says 'Death Eater Vacations Limited! This must explain the strange Dark Mark!"

"I wonder where on EARTH we got the Pirate idea from…" said Percy as he scratched his head.

"Wait a minute….you mean I bought these silly pirate clothes, gathered a crew, bought an expensive sword, took phony sword fighting lessons, stole this yacht, for NOTHING?!?!?!?" Harry bellowed at Percy.

"Well…don't jump to conclusions there, Harry," Percy started to chuckle nervously as Harry's face turned redder and redder from anger, "Maybe there_ are _pirates on the ship?"

"PIRATES on a CRUISE SHIP?" Harry fumed, "Yeah, that makes a WHOLE lot of sense!" he raised his fist, "You're really going to get it now, Percy!"

"No, Harry, wait!" Hermione, who now had the binoculars, was examining the ship, "There ARE pirates on the ship!"

"What?" said Harry, and snatched the binoculars back. He saw through them, a family, two adults and three small children, sitting at a table on deck, while a waiter dressed up as a pirate served them food. A banner behind them read, 'YARRRR! IT'S PIRATE WEEK HERE AT DEATH EATER VACATIONS! SO SING A SHANTY, HAVE A RUM, AND '

"Whoa!" Harry exclaimed, "That must have been what you heard, Percy, it's a THEME! All the staff has dressed up as pirates!"

"You know what," said Percy, "I remember Marcus Flint dressed up as Cleopatra for Halloween once, and he said he bought the costume once during Egyptian week at Death-Eater Vacations!"

"WHAT??!?!" Harry yelled, "You mean you knew all along Voldemort owned a Vacation company and didn't even tell me?!"

"AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN TELL US MARCUS FLINT WAS ONCE IN DRAG??!?" Colin screamed.

"Sorry, it slipped my mind!" said Percy, ignoring Colin, "So I guess we didn't have to go to all this trouble after all! Isn't that funny, huh guys?"

The rest of the crew fell silent, and only gave Percy menacing glares. They began to close in on him, and Percy let out a scared mumble.

"Uh oh."

**TWO SECONDS LATER**

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!!!" Percy sailed off the deck, and plunged into the water. Once he rose to the surface, he coughed and spluttered out water, and began to cry out.

"Help! I can't swim! (Well, I can, but not well) it's the middle of the ocean! How am I going to get back home? You're going to just LEAVE ME HERE?!" Percy shouted as the rest of the crew headed towards the captain's cabin.

"Oh, we almost forgot," said Colin. He picked up a can of Alpha-ghetti, and tossed it into the water, "In case you get hungry!"

Percy's cries were still heard as the crew closed the door behind them.

"All right!" said Hermione, dusting off her hands, "Now let's figure out how we're going to get onto the ship!"


	15. Intruders!

**Chapter Twelve**

**Intruders!**

Percy struggled and spluttered in the water for what seemed like quite a long time.

"Help! Help! Help!" he shouted, but it was no use. He did not think the big cruise ship in front of him would hear his cries, and Hermione's yacht had already gone. Suddenly he stopped thrashing.

"Wait a minute!" He exclaimed, "I'm a wizard!" he pulled his wand out of his Velcro-sealed pocket and pointed it at the cruise ship, "_Accio, _life raft!"

A large green inflatable raft sailed from the cruise ship and plunked itself in front of Percy.

"All _right!_" he laughed, and scrambled on. After a few minutes of nothing else happening, he said, "What do I do now?"

**MEANWHILE…**

"You know," said Hermione as she came out of the cabin, dressed in a red bandana over her head, an eye patch, and pirate clothes, to join the rest of the crew, also dressed in full pirate attire, "I do feel sort of bad that we threw Percy overboard. I mean, if he hadn't suggested we buy pirate clothes, we never could get on the ship as easily as we could now!"

"So, we're going to break in, pretending we're staff members?" said Ron, adjusting his red coat with white frills, "And why do I have to wear this coat again? It looks silly!"

"Nonsense! It looks like the coat that Captain Hook wore in the Muggle movie _Peter Pan_. You look fine!" said Hermione.

"Something tells me Percy can take care of himself," said Harry. "Plus, we can always apologize next time we see him. All right, so here's the plan. We drive the yacht towards the side of the boat, where the passenger door is. We first _Alohomora _the door, and then _Ascencio _ourselves onto the side, where one of us swings open the door, and we come toppling in. Then, we find out Where Voldemort is on the ship!"

"And then we pretend to be servers," added Ron, "And bring food into the room, and then…"

"BOOM!" shouted Colin, "Game over, right?"

"Right!" announced Harry, "All right crew, this is it…this will be the death of Voldemort once and for all. Are you all ready?"

Ron, Hermione and Colin lined up, and gave a salute, proudly chanting, "AYE AYE, CAPTAIN POTTER!"

"All right!" Harry shouted triumphantly, and pulled his wand out of his pocket. He pointed it high into the air and shouted, "Once and for all, let's set things right!"

**MEANWHILE….AGAIN…..**

The day was almost over now, and Percy was beginning to feel very sad, sitting on his life raft all by himself. No one on the cruise ship had seen him and no boats came along. He sadly sang to himself.

_I'm Percy the Sailor Man,_

_I'm Percy the Sailor Man,_

_I'm strong to nobody_

_They all think I'm crummy_

_I'm Percy the Sailor Man._

_I work at Ministry_

_Seems more like deviltry  _

_My family's a-SHAMED- of me_

_I used to be Head Boy_

_My life now has no joy _

_The good times, where could they be?   _

_I want to fight Dark Arts and Vol-demort_

_But I got kicked off a boat!_

_Now I'm here and stranded,_

_Alone and disbanded_

_I'm Percy the Sailor Man _

_I'm Percy the Sailor Man,_

_I'm Percy the Sailor Man,_

_I'm strong to nobody_

_They all think I'm crummy_

_I'm Percy the Sailor Man._

_**TOOT! TOOT!**_

Percy fearfully turned around to see what boat had ended his song (in perfect timing, might I add). He saw a luxurious boat that looked oddly familiar, and started to wave his arms frantically at it. To his joy, the boat stopped, and they let Percy on.

"To the cruise ship!" he shouted and pointed, and the boat took off.

**MEANWHILE, BUT FOR THE LAST TIME….**

"Whoo!" Colin struggled himself up off the floor, "Is everyone okay?"

The entire crew was piled all over each other, since their flight into the ship was rather tumultuous, and everyone ended up crashing into each other. Since Colin was the last to land, he had the easiest time getting up.

"Rrrrhhmmgmggh," mumbled Ron, who was at the bottom of the pile, face down.

"We're fine," said Hermione, sprawled beside him, with Harry smashed in above her, his face down on the floor again. "Just get off, and we can all get up."

"Oh! Sorry!" said Colin, and scrambled up. Soon, the whole crew had gotten up, and dusted off their clothes.

"That hurt!" said Harry, "But it's all worth it, because now we're inside the ship! Come on, let's go find out where Voldemort is!"

"Hmm," said Hermione, "I don't think we went through the passenger door."

The floors and walls were made of white iron, and the room was lined with shelves full of boxes and cans of food, with a poster on the wall that read, _'This week's schedule! CRUCIO for any no-shows!'_

"Eep," winced Colin when he read the poster.

"Working for Voldemort, what do you expect?" said Ron.

"True," said Harry, "Okay, back to business. You're right, Hermione, it looks we went through a warehouse door instead, this looks like the pantry."

"Good thing we didn't reach the freezer," Ron remarked.

The crew started to make their way towards the exit, when they heard voices outside in the hall.

"Hey, where are we supposed to take this again?"

"Up to the Ballroom. It's a special dinner for our Lord."

"Jackpot!" Harry whispered, "Let's follow them!"

"Follow them?" mocked Hermione, "Pffft, that's no fun. We're pirates, aren't we? Let's do this pirate style!"

"You said it, babe!" said Ron.

"Hermione! Ron!" Harry gasped, "What are you--"

Harry was cut off when Hermione and Ron swung the door open and leaped out into the hallway, where two pirate servers were standing with several covered trays of food on a trolley.

"YAAARRRRRR!!!!!" Ron yelled, "WE'RE PIRATES!"

"Har har har," groaned one of the servers, a bored looking girl who popped her gum and was half heartedly dressed as a pirate—a name tag shouted, _Hi, I'm Marlene!_ "Stop acting like a pirate. We have to, for the dress code, and you're not being funny!"

"Yeah, get a life!" said the other server. This one was a teenage boy who was wearing a cheap captain's hat with a plastic eyepatch. He had braces and pimples bumped across his face; his nametag read _Hi, I'm Wesley!_

"No!" said Colin, "But we're REAL pirates!"

"Cute," Marlene sneered, "Come on Wesley, the Dark Lord will be mighty pissed if this is late."

The crew stood in the way of their path.

"Um, can we go?" Wesley barked.

"You have CLEARLY underestimated us," said Harry, standing in the middle of the hall, "There is NOTHING cute about pirates."

The crew began to close in on the servers, who began to look very, very afraid.

**FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER**

"Gosh," said Colin thoughtfully, as he wheeled the trolley down the hall, the crew walking alongside him, "They sure were a lot nicer when they found out we just wanted to steal the trolley!"

"Well, it meant they could have another lunch break. Why wouldn't they be?" said Harry, as he read the Douchebag map, "All right! The Ballroom is…here!"

The crew reached the door, a grand mahogany wood door with brass handles in the shape of snakeheads, with the words 'Ballroom' written on the door in gold letters.

"Let's do it!" Harry shouted, and the crew busted the doors open.

Harry's scar started to burn; the searing pain grew hotter and hotter as his crew marched into the ballroom, an elegant room with green walls, hardwood floors, green chandeliers and several tables with shimmering green tablecloths.

The Dark Lord sat at the table closest to the dance floor, stroking his pet snake, Nagini.

"Ah!" he cheered, "My supper! What's on the menu for tonight?"

"Sorry, Voldemort!" Harry announced, "The only thing you'll be eating tonight is REVENGE! Served cold!"

Colin peeked under the lid, "But this is roast goose!"

"Metaphor, you idiot," Harry muttered to Colin, before ripping off his hat and eyepatch.

"HARRY POTTER!" Voldemort screeched, and leapt to his feet, "HOW DID YOU GET ON MY SHIP?!?!?"

"The name's CAPTAIN Potter, VOLDIE!" Harry bellowed, "And now you're going to get it!"

"Oh really?" Voldemort snapped his fingers, and his loyal Death Eaters appeared, lined up on both sides of him; Bellatrix Lestrange, Lucius Malfoy, Peter Pettigrew, Barty Crouch Jr., and...

"Draco Malfoy?!" Colin shouted, "But I thought you weren't allowed on the ship?"

"Mind your own business, Weasely!" Draco sneered, "For your information, I was allowed to come, as long as I help the chambermaids twice a week!"

"Hah! You're a maid!" Harry laughed, "But no time to laugh now! You all are going down!"

"Harry Potter!" Voldemort hissed, glee beginning to twinkle in his red, slitty eyes, "This is the moment I've been waiting for…when I finally see the light leave your eyes…"

The two opponents whipped out their wands and pointed them at each other. Harry was about to cast a spell, when a voice from behind made everyone in the room jump.

"**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**


	16. The Cheer

**Chapter Thirteen**

**The Cheer**

The Fangirl Squad raced into the room, dressed in identical black skirts and red sweaters with the Hogwarts crest on them. This time the group seemed much larger than the one on the boat; hundreds more girls were stampeding in, even some boys were spotted in the crowd, wearing black trousers instead of skirts. All of them sported round, thick-rimmed glasses, and all had added red lightning bolts to their foreheads with red Sharpie.

"The Fangirl Squad?!" Hermione shouted, "I thought I told you all to leave me alone!"

"We ARE leaving you alone, Hermione!" Harriet Potts yelled back, "We came to cheer on Harry! Come on girls, let's show everyone what us Fangirls can REALLY do!"

Harriet snapped her fingers twice, and the entire squad arranged themselves in three lines, and began the routine.

Stomp, CLAP stomp, stomp-CLAP-stomp-stomp, CLAP stomp, stomp-CLAP-stomp-stomp, CLAP stomp, stomp-CLAP-stomp-stomp, CLAP…

_Oh Harry, you're so fab,_

_Wanna see you all unclad,_

_HEY HARRY! (clap clap)_

_HEY HARRY! (clap clap)_

_Oh Harry, you're so fab,_

_Wanna see you all unclad_

_HEY HARRY! (clap clap)_

_HEY HARRY! (clap clap)_

_Oh Harry, you're so fab,_

_Wanna see you all unclad  
HEY HARRY! (clap clap)_

_HEY HARRY! (clap clap)_

_Oh Harry, you're so fab,_

_Wanna see you all unclad,_

_HEY HARRY! (clap clap)_

_HEY HARRY! (clap clap)_

_Oh Harry, you're so fab,_

_Wanna see you all unclad,_

_HEY HARRY! (clap clap)_

_HEY HARRY! (clap clap)_

Several tourist passengers on the ship had ambled in them in out of confusion at their singing, and quite a large crowd was beginning to form as Hermyra Gregs stepped up and started to sing while the rest of the squad continued to stomp and clap out the backbeat:

_Hey Harry! _

_You've been around ten years, and that's a little long_

_Voldemort thinks he's right, but we think he's got it wrong,_

_So just go smash his face_

_So we can take you home, Harry!_

She skipped back into line, and Rhonda Wheeler stepped up and did her solo:

_Cuz when we think you will_

_Always turns out you won't_

_You're putting off the end, Harry_

_Please, Harry, don't_

_When the Dark Lord's gone _

_We shall have shalom, Harry!_

Rhonda went back into the squad and the entire squad started singing again:

_Oh Harry, what a pity, you don't understand,_

_From all the public schools, paranoid parents got you banned,_

_Oh Harry, you're so shmexy, can't you understand_

_It's guys like YOU, Harry!_

_Oh wontcha DO, Harry, DO, Harry,_

_Kick Dark Lord Ass, Harry!_

An odd-looking girl emerged from the crowd, and began doing a somewhat sexy dance as she sang her own solo:

_Hey Harry!  
When you do romance, who is gonna know?_

_Ginny and your Cho_

_(Although she kind of was a ho)_

_But now's time for revenge,_

_So get down to biz'ness, Harry!_

"Who's that girl?" Whispered Ron to Harry, "She looks familiar, and has an unusually deep voice…"

"Beats me," Harry whispered back as the girl skipped back into the line, and Harriet Potts stepped forward and did her solo:

_So come on, and kill the bastard_

_Any way you can_

_Any way you want it to,_

_Now once and for all,_

_Oh please, Harry please,_

_Don't let him get away, Harry!_

Harriet Potts stepped back into the line of Fangirls, and they finished off their song:

_Oh Harry, you're so fab,_

_Wanna see you all unclad_

_HEY HARRY! (clap clap)_

_HEY HARRY! (clap clap)_

_Oh Harry, what a pity, you don't understand,_

_From all the public schools, paranoid parents got you banned,_

_Oh Harry, you're so shmexy, can't you understand_

_It's guys like YOU, Harry!_

_Oh wontcha DO, Harry, DO, Harry,_

_Kick Dark Lord Ass, Harry!_

_Oh wontcha DO, Harry, DO, Harry,_

_**KICK DARK LORD ASS, HARRY!**_

They stomped one last time, and ended with their arms in the air. The whole crowd on the cruise ship erupted into applause; even some of the Death Eaters pretended not to smile.

Hermione unenthusiastically clapped her hands together a couple of times before angrily muttering under her breath, "How very inappropriate."


	17. AeroDeath

_Song: 'Big in Japan' by the Guano Apes, copyright 2000, can be found on the album Planet of the Apes: The Best of Guano Apes, copyright 2004. You can see the video on YouTube. _

it really is a good fight-scene song! You'll see!!!!

**Chapter Fourteen**

**Aero-Death**

"Gosh…" gasped Harry, not hearing Hermione's remark, his face turning red, "I mean, people have supported me, but I wasn't really expecting that…Wow! I very much appreciate it! Thank you!"

"You are most welcome!" Harriet gave a polite curtsy, and the rest of the FanGirl squad followed her lead.

"Yeah!" said the unknown girl, "I hope you really get him!"

Voldemort had sat there glaring the whole time, until he finally leapt up from his seat and yelled, "SILENCE!" As the room quieted down, Voldemort looked extremely embarrassed, "Oh…OH YEAH?! Well, WE have a cheer, too! Don't we, my minions?" he turned to his Death Eater followers.

"Huh?" asked Bellatrix Lestrange, "No we don't."

"Yes we do!" said Voldemort, and shoved Bellatrix up front, "Go show them, Bellatrix!"

"Ummmm…." Bellatrix stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, as hundreds of people watched her. Then, she began to feebly wave her arms and chant:

"_Voldy, Voldy, he's our Lord  
But can't even sing or strike a chord?"_

"Good! Now I—WHAT?!" Voldemort screeched as the entire room burst into laughter, "That was terrible! You very well know I can sing! Stop making a fool out of me!"

"Uh oh, am I fired?" Bellatrix gulped.

"Perhaps later, but I don't have time right now! GET BACK HERE!" he shouted. Bellatrix fearfully scurried back into line, and Harry whipped out his wand.

"All right, Voldemort, say your prayers!" Harry shouted, but then the unusual-unknown girl took his arm and lowered his wand, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Harry," she said, "It's not that easy!"

"What do you mean?" said Harry.

"You're a pirate, aren't you? You have to solve this LIKE a pirate!"

Harry suspiciously turned to the girl, "And just what do YOU know about my recent becoming of a pirate? You don't even know me!"

"Oh! Um, er, nothing! I know nothing about that! You're a pirate? I meant Wizard…ha ha ha ha!" she giggled nervously and her face turned red.

"Oh yeah?" said Ron, "Know nothing about it, huh?" he reached over, grabbed the girl's hair and yanked.

"No! No! Stop!" the girl flung her hands to her head, but it was too late. Her wig came off, and revealed that the girl was, in fact, Percy.

"Percy?" Ron exclaimed, "How did you get back on this ship? Did the FanGirl squad rescue you?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, they did!" Percy retorted, "I couldn't miss the death of Voldemort, after I was the one who helped Harry get this far! If it wasn't for me, you never would have guessed Voldemort was on this ship!" Percy was close to tears now, and a soft, sad melody began to play, "I thought I was perfect for first mate, I helped get the costumes, the swords, I found the Douchebag map and gave it to you, Harry, I helped and advised all of you as much as I could, but what did you all do? You threw me off the boat! After all I did!"

"Gosh…" said Hermione, "I never realized that hurt his feelings so much."

"You threw me off a freaking boat into the ocean, Hermione!" he shouted, "How could that NOT hurt my feelings?"

"I don't know….you pretty much ditched your values to go work at the Ministry, I figured you had no feelings."

"Oh, shut up!" Percy barked.

"Yeah, Hermione!" Colin snapped, "That wasn't nice!"

"Geez, so-ree!" Hermione groaned.

"You think I don't have feelings? Is that what you think? Well, that does it!" Percy shouted, his eyes watering, "I don't need you, and you can beat the Dark Lord yourselves! I can see when I'm not wanted!"

He turned on his heel, and started to storm out the room.

"Percy, wait!" Harry ran after him as the music got louder, and many people in the room were crying, "I actually want to apologize."

Percy stopped, and looked back, "You do?"

"We should not have thrown you off, because after all, we used these pirate costumes to sneak in here, and all that was your idea! I feel really bad about it now. We all do."

Colin, Ron and Hermione nodded, while Ron said, "It's true."

"We're sorry, Percy!" Colin sniffled.

"Come on, whaddya say?" said Harry as he slung an arm around Percy's shoulder, "Come back onto the crew? We could still use our first mate to help us win this battle?"

Percy slung his arm back around Harry, "Of course I'll come back!"

"YAY!!!!" The crew cheered, and soon they were all in a group hug. The audience applauded.

"HELLLOOOOOOOOO?" Voldemort shouted, "Can we stop the sap-fest and GET THIS OVER WITH?!"

"All right, fine," said Harry, and they all stopped hugging, "You can stop now, boys, we've made up!" he called to a string quartet in the corner, the source of the sappy music.

"Awright," the cellist said as they picked up their instruments and left.

"So, Voldemort!" Harry yelled, and drew out his sword, "Let's settle this…PIRATE STYLE!"

"Very well!" Voldemort snapped his fingers, and soon a sword was placed in his hands by one of his Death Eater minions. He pointed it at Harry, and yelled "YARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Hermione noticed something shimmering on his wrist. When she realized what it was, she whispered as she held out her wand, "_Accio, Medical bracelet!_"

"Hey! What the--" Voldemort stammered as the bracelet flung off his wrist, over the sword, and into Hermione's hand. She read the bracelet and gasped.

"Quick, Ron," she hollered, "Give me five Galleons!"

"What?" said Ron, "Now?"

"Yes! Don't ask, just do it!"

Ron handed her the money, and Hermione raced out of the room.

"What's going on?" Harry yelled, "She has to help fight!"

"She said not to ask!" Ron shouted back.

"Well, all right then!" Harry pointed his sword back at Voldemort.

"Hey, may we perhaps have some music?" Colin asked, "It just doesn't seem like a battle without it."

"I got it!" a teenager in the crowd who was holding a boom-box shouted. He dashed to an outlet, plugged it in and pushed the 'play' button. The drums started up, and the sound of hard-rock guitars began to drill through the air as a girl's husky, sharp voice began to sing.

_Winters city-side_

_Crystal bits of snowflakes all around my head and in the wind_

_I had no illusions_

_That I'd ever find a glimpse of summers heat-waves in your eyes_

"IT'S ON!" Harry screamed, and hurtled himself towards Voldemort. His sword clanged against Voldemort's, and the fight had begun; they whipped their swords at each other, and they dodged blows. The sound of metal clashing was deafening.

"Kill the rest of the crew, minions!" Voldemort screamed as he ducked a blow from Harry's sword.

_You did what you did to me, now its history I see_

_Here's my comeback on the road again_

_Things will happen while they can_

_I will wait here for my man tonight, it's easy when you're big in Japan_

Lucius Malfoy charged at Percy. Percy held out his fists and yelled, "Wrong Pirate, asshole!"

Percy swung at Lucius. His punch slammed right into Lucius's face, and blood began to gush out his nose. Lucius grabbed Percy's head, the entire palm of this hand covering Percy's face. Percy bit down as hard as he could, and when he heard Lucius cry out in pain, Percy lifted his foot and kicked it against Lucius's chest; the blow sent him toppling into the food trolley. Food spilled all over Luscius before the lid came crashing down onto his head.

Percy ended with his fists in front of his face, and shouted, "HAH!"

He looked over at a fearful Barty Crouch Jr.

"WHAT!" he yelled, "YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME!!!"

Barty shook his head before he fled the room.

"That's right, you run!" Percy yelled before he laughed triumphantly.

_You're big in Japan, You're big in Japan, You're big in Japan_

_Its when_

_Youre big in japan, then I'll sleep by your side all through the night_

_Big in Japan, it's easy to be…_

Peter Pettigrew scurried over to Colin, with the same rat-like look on his face.

"Wait, you were the rat for a while, right?" said Colin.

"Yes, I was!" Peter giggled, "But now I'm Human, and you're going to DIE!"

"I seriously doubt that," said Colin, as he pulled a can of Rat-Repellant out of his pocket. Peter Pettigrew's eyes widened.

"You know, my family used to have a problem with rats, but they're gone now, thanks to this. I wonder…is there still a bit of rat left in you?"

"No! No! Please!" he begged for mercy as Colin pushed on the nozzle.

_PSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! _

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!" Pettigrew screamed as he crumpled under the poison mist.

_Neon on my skin_

_Passing silhouettes of strange illuminated mannequins_

_Shall I stay here at the zoo?_

_Or shall I go and change my point of view for other ugly scenes?_

Harry and Voldemort were still entwined in their swordfight. Voldemort had tried to knock over many chairs in an attempt to block Harry's way, but Harry always dodged them. Harry leapt upon a table to join Voldemort, and thrust his sword at Voldemort. Voldemort blocked it with his sword, and the two blades clashed again.

"You know what your parents were? They were lowlife scum!" Voldemort hissed, "I don't understand why you feel the need to avenge them!"

"You're just jealous because I actually HAD parents, and they didn't just dump me into an orphanage," retorted Harry.

"HEY!" Voldemort shouted, and Harry saw his chance. He shoved Voldemort's sword with his, and Voldemort stumbled off the table.

_You did what you did to me, now its history I see_

_Things will happen while they can_

_I will wait here for my man tonight, it's easy when you're big in Japan_

Ron and Draco's eyes met from across the room. They glared and rushed at each other, frantically slapping each other's hands and faces.

"Rag-Muffin!" shouted Draco.

"Rich Trash!" Ron yelled back.

The insults began to volley back and forth as the fight continued.

"Carrot-top!"

"Blonde!"

"Loser!"

"Slacker!"

"Pansy!"

"Spattergroit-liar!"

"Slytherin crotch-pheasant!"

"Weasel!"

"Oh, THAT'S creative," Ron snorted, "You half head!"

"Cheese head!"

"Fop!"

Draco stopped slapping to scratch his head, "What the hell is a 'fop'?"

Ron saw his chance and slapped Malfoy good and hard in the face. Malfoy tumbled down to the floor, and Ron sent his boot crashing into Malfoy's mouth.

"That's for seven books of making fun of me, my friends and my family's income, BITCH!" he shouted.

_You're big in Japan_

_You're big in Japan_

_You're big in Japan_

_It's when_

_You're big in Japan, then I'll sleep by your side all through the night_

_Big in Japan, it's easy to be…_

_Too late, too late…_

Hermione dashed into the room, holding five chocolate bars from the vending machine. "HARRY!" she shouted, and began to run to him, when Bellatrix Lestrange suddenly jumped in front of her, blocking her path.

"Aw crap," Hermione groaned, "Don't tell me I have to get through YOU first."

Bellatrix gave an evil, Grinch-like grin, and Hermione rolled her eyes as she stuffed the chocolate bars into her pocket. Hermione raised her arms and swooped above Bellatrix, Crouching-Tiger-Hidden-Dragon style. Bellatrix flew upwards as well, and the two started throwing artful kicks and punches at each other, Hermione beautifully blocking every single blow Bellatrix sent her way. Suddenly Hermione did a graceful back-flip, and fell back down to the ground.

"Ha!" Bellatrix laughed, "Have I tired you out?"

"Nah," said Hermione, and pulled out her wand, "I just did that so you'd follow me. Now that you're in the air, it's easier to do this!" She pointed her wand at Bellatrix and yelled "_Imperio!"_

"Hey! What the!" Bellatrix's eyes widened with fear as the spell seized her, and Hermione pointed her wand towards the ocean outside the door, beyond the ship. Under the control of Hermione's wand, Bellatrix sailed out the door, across the deck, and was flung over the ship railing. She screeched as she fell, until a few seconds later, _SPLOOSH! _Bellatrix had fallen into the ocean.

"Whew! That was almost too easy!" she wiped her brow, and hurried over to Harry and Voldemort.

_You're big in Japan_

_You're big in Japan_

_You're big in Japan_

_Its when_

"HARRY!" Hermione shouted, and came up behind Harry.

"WHAT?!" Harry yelled back as his sword whirled around Voldemort's, "I'm sort of busy right now!"

"Hang on, I'm going to distract Voldemort; I need to tell you something!" she turned to Voldemort and shouted, "CRUCIO!"

Voldemort crumpled to the floor as he screamed and writhed in pain. Hermione kept her wand pointed at him as she turned to Harry, "There are five Aero Bars in my pocket, grab them! I can't hang on much longer!"

"Chocolate?!" Harry yelled as sweat beads dripped down his face, "Are you crazy?"

"No!" Hermione yelled, "I swear! Just take them, and stuff them into his mouth as soon as you can!"

Harry grabbed the bars out of Hermione's pocket, and Hermione let go of the curse. Harry unwrapped the Aero bars and ran over to Voldemort. Voldemort saw what Harry had in his hand and his eyes widened in horror.

"No, NO, NOOOO—UMMPPGGHH" he tried to scream as Harry stuffed the chocolate into Voldemort's mouth.

_You're big in Japan, then I'll sleep by your side all through the night_

_Big in Japan, it's easy to be_

_You're big in Japan, then I'll sleep by your side all through the night_

_Big in Japan, it's easy to be_

Voldemort began to gasp for air as his hand clutched at his throat. Chocolate dribbled down his chin, and Voldemort's white skin began to turn a sickly blue.

"He's choking!" Colin yelled.

"NOW, HARRY!" Hermione bellowed, "Do it while he still can't breathe!"

Harry whipped out his wand and pointed it at Voldemort.

_You're big in Japan_

_You're big in Japan_

_You're big in Japan_

_Its when_

_You're big in Japan!!!!!_

"_**AVADAKEDAVRA!"**_

A flash of chalky, green light filled the room, and it was all over.


	18. The End

Harry, Ron and Hermione relaxed leisurely on the deck in lounge chairs. Harry had just finished reading a book, Hermione had just finished applying tanning lotion to her skin, and Ron was toweling off after his fifth swim in the pool.

"You know," said Hermione, putting the bottle down beside her and lying back down on her chair, "Even though Voldemort and the Death Eaters are horrible people, I will admit, their cruise ships are marvelous!"

"That was incredible, Hermione, knowing Voldemort was allergic to chocolate," said Harry.

"As they say, the worst thing an enemy can do is show his weakness. In this case, it was allergies!"

The three of them let out huge bellows of laughter as a waiter came by with three glasses of lemonade on his tray. The three friends took one each as they continued to talk.

"Now that Voldemort's dead, they've stopped singing the Death Eaters anthem every half-hour!" said Harry gleefully, "In fact, they've stopped all together. I love this ship!"

"Who'd have thought you could use the word 'death' eight times in one verse?" said Ron.

"Or 'Pogo-Stick' _seventeen_ times in one verse?" said Hermione.

"Or 'Rockstar Energy Drink' after the song?" said Harry.

"Harry, that wasn't part of the song," said Hermione, "It was the sponsor of the cruise, and they have to say it after each anthem."

"Oh, yeah!" said Ron, "I think they have a lot of sponsors! I heard last week they were ending each anthem with 'Gap."

"Oh _no_!" wheedled Hermione, "And their jeans fit so well! How could they sponsor such a terrible group?"

"Imperius Curse?" Harry suggested.

"I guess that would make sense," said Hermione.

Percy and Colin suddenly ran up to them, dressed in full pirate attire, but Colin still had a pink lei on and Percy's nose was covered in sunscreen.

"Captain!" shouted Percy.

"You don't have to call me 'Captain' anymore, Percy, and you don't have to dress up like a pirate anymore," Harry interrupted him, "Voldemort's dead. The mission is over!"

"WRONG!" said Percy frantically, "The mission is not over! We still have work to do! Plus, the pirate costume is cool."

"What do we have to do?" asked Hermione.

"We must kill ALL of Voldemort!" Colin screeched, "This means we have to break the Horcruxes!"

"Oh!" Harry exclaimed, "I forgot all about those!"

"Well, let's go, then!" Percy yelled, "Another adventure awaits! Come on!" Percy and Colin turned around and started to sing another shanty as they skipped away.

_**For the breaking Horcruxes helps Lord Voldemort go die**_

_**Lord Voldemort go diiiiiieeee**_

_**Voldemort go die!**_

_**For the breaking Horcruxes helps Lord Voldemort go die**_

_**In the most delightful waaaaaaaaaaay!**_

_**For the breaking Horcruxes helps…**_

Their singing got quieter and quieter as they got further away from Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who were still sitting in their lounge chairs. Soon they were out of sight.

"Shouldn't we go follow them, Harry?" asked Ron.

Harry picked up his lemonade glass.

"I'm on vacation!" he said, and took a sip.

**The End.**


End file.
